Interests:Martial arts, reading, writing (poetry and stories), MUD'ing (AKA Threshing), DDR, horseback riding (western, english, bareback), video games, ITG, slowly getting back into playing the viola and piano.
It's amazing how simple things can make us so happy. Like a box. A pretty little box can make a person happy. Every time they look at it, they'll feel a wave of warmth go through them and settle in their bones. They caress the surface and memories flood their mind of wonderful times. And if they hold it in their hand, they can almost feel fingers twining around theirs to hold their hand tightly. Just a box.
Yesterday, I received such a box. A beautiful wooden box with a heart on it. Okay, it was anything but simple considering it was from France (literally, it was shipped from there and made there) and filled with heart shaped truffles. I have pictures I'll put at the end of this entry. Jeff and I aren't even on the same continent and he already knows how to spoil me. Granted, he had no idea how much I love wooden boxes or how truffles are my favorite chocolate. I let him know right after I opened the package. He was trilled he picked the perfect gift on accident. Once I move next week, I'm putting the box on my dresser next to my other keepsakes. And I haven't decided yet what to keep in the box after the chocolates are gone. Either way. I love it. And now I have something from him I can look at every day!
I don't know where to turn right now so I suppose I'll turn to myself. I think I worry too much about other people sometimes. But sometimes..I don't know..I just need a place to spill it all out before I go crazy.
This morning. I cried. It's been...well...since Leeann...And thinking about her started it. How I wished I could have hung out with her one last time. How I wished she was still around. How young she was. And then I started thinking about my own life and what I would leave behind if I ever reached a sudden end. And what I saw...it wasn't pretty to look at. I've made mess after mess in my life. Messes that I can never clean up. Messes that have stained my life and who I am. My paranoia, my distrustful nature, my fear of hurting someone I love, my inability to open up to others, my way of keeping emotions hidden...all of it from pieces of the past. And things I doubt I'll ever grow out of. And it worries me. It worries me a lot.
My complicated life right now is driving me insane. I do everything I can to keep from letting myself feel the ache that comes with missing someone. And this is the first time I've had to deal with it on a long term scale. It's been a month but my heart swears it's been longer. And the yearning I feel within me scares me and fascinates me.
And the happy flutter that happens when I hear his voice or see his picture...it scares me to death. Because I've given away a part of myself again and I thought I wouldn't. Not this piece of me. I don't know what I'm going to do. Or how this is all going to end. And it scares me. And I don't scare easily
It's my new mantra. Just a little longer. As long as I don't add up the days, it doesn't seem so bad. Soon I'll be moving out of that horrid house and into my own place. It'll be nice on my own again. I miss being able to set my rules and so on. And I think it'll be healthy for me. Just me and Liranae and we'll finally have a lot of time to bond. Poor kitten barely gets to see her mama anymore. I'll fix that and buy her a boxful of toys and spend more time with her. The new place will be much better then my old apartment and it'll have a basement. While I don't have a washer and dryer at the moment, Jeff is going to be sending me his. We've only gone on like..a handful of dates but already he's being a better boyfriend then all the others combined. And I don't mean because he's letting me use his washer and dryer. I know, because he and I have been friends for awhile, that he genuinely cares for me and cares about my being happy. And it's still odd to me. How did I not see it before? Oh well, everything happens for a reason I guess.
I don't think I actually wrote this down here but I used to make jokes about putting together qualities from different men I've dated or knew and turning them into my ideal boyfriend. While Jeff doesn't fit it perfectly, he fits it enough that it's almost scary. And I know, usually what I want and what I need are two different things. But hey, why can't it be both this time? He's stronger then me...well...upper body anyways. Shesh, he can even lift me up in his arms. He makes me laugh. He understands my computer nerd moments. He loves music. He likes to sing. He can dance (and we danced at his parent's house and he wants to learn different forms of dance). He loves animals and more importantly, Liranae loves him. He did Tae Kwon Do once and wants to learn it again. He understands the Korean structure of things and why I'll sometimes do things I don't want to because of my responsibilities. He likes to travel. He understands my Threshold addiction (mostly because he has it too!). He understands the whole military structure of my household because he's an army boy (and I'm proud of him).
Blarg, I'm gushing..I just realized that. And the sad part is, I could probably go on with even more. Or is that a good part? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I'm scared witless. I want it to be real this time. I want it to be the right choice this time. And I..and this is the most scary part because it's been a fear of mine for awhile...I want forever with him. I've been scared of marriage ever since that near disaster because I know in my heart, once I get married, that's it. Divorce is something I couldn't do unless it was the only thing left. Because to me, marriage should be carefully planned out beforehand. It should be a slow decision. And I'm scaring myself because I think Jeff and I could be forever. Though..I'm not rushing into that part at all. I'm more sensible then that. I'm hoping that in a couple years, Jeff and I will still be together and then we can deal with the big question. Yes, I'm still dead set on the whole time thing. I really prefer it because I've seen my friends. And from what I've seen, sometimes waiting is important.
Eventually this blog will go back to being less fluffy but for the moment, I need a place to empty out my head. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends that I talk to on a regular basis have all been bite by the anti men bug. So talking to them about it would be mean and rude. So I won't.
Oh, one other little thing. Ever since I can remember, I always stutter on the word love when it comes to the person I'm dating. It's like my heart is trying to tell me something by it not being comfortable to say. Now, I did love Raphael and Mark. But it took me weeks, months, to get those three stupid words out of my mouth. But in the end I knew I did in fact love them. But with Jeff....he told me he had fallen for me awhile ago and didn't want to say it in fear I would run away. I was in Ohio with him when he said that. And I looked him in the eyes and said, Try me. So he told me he loved me and the words slipped from my tongue easy as breathing. I told him I loved him too. And it's real. I know this because I have cared about him for so long...my heart has been just screaming to tell him and when it happened, the world stood still for just a moment. And of course, because my timing blows, we discover how we feel days before he has to fly back to Iraq. Granted he'll be back in the states for good in December. It's just...it's hard to be apart and yet it's not. We talk almost every day and I thank whoever invented Skype for that. And I just keep saying, only a little longer. And then he'll be back. And I have a feeling that'll be one of the happiest days ever.
I wrote this poem a couple of days ago, basically talking about how I'm dealing with him gone. He loves it.
Of course, my life couldn't be complete without my old friend the emotional roller coaster. One second I'm happy, the next I'm teary, the next I feel like punching something, and then back to happy. Is it so hard to ask for a single weekend of non drama or annoyance? Apparently, it's really hard.
So last weekend I holed up in my room a good bit. I just wanted time to relax and reflect and so on. But it apparently wasn't without consequences. Mark decides to spend his time giving me puppy eyes and moping around. It's always great fun to have a roommate that can't drive himself and skulks around. Yes, I get that I dumped him but come on. Seriously? He had MONTHS to change things and had warnings and he decides when I actually break up with him that I'm worth something? Then again, he also has to remind me every two minutes about how he's broke, needs to figure out ways to feed himself, and whine whine whine. He was even complaining about the fact that I have friends outside of his circle.
This weekend..oh yeah. Great fun. While I did have an awesome time with Mindy, Wayne, and Lindsey at Fast Fridays at KC Trends...the welcome home after was just...total kill joy. He told me thank you for not bringing anyone home. I just stared at him. He was fishing with little comments to see why I'm so oddly happy with the break up. He obviously believes I dumped him for another man and he STILL doesn't believe he's at fault at all for my dumping him. Talk about pure denial. I'm getting tired of those comments and little stabs.
And tonight...I just....am I wrong in saying that what he just said to me is awkward? He comes upstairs and sits down for awhile. He asks me if he can just talk to me for a minute. I'm like..umm sure. He goes Thank you. I just stared at him. He says how he's been having bad nightmares and a terrible time but he wanted to thank me because he's finally been able to pull himself out of it because of all our good memories. I had no idea why he wanted to say such things. And even better, he was in full mopey mode. Slumped shoulders, quiet voice, and leaning away. And then a minute later he goes I'm glad to see something has been making you happy and then he draws off the last word. And waits. I'm getting sick and tired of his baiting me. And I know from my friend Kate that he seriously believes he wasn't at fault. And he thinks he'll get me back one day. And unfortunately, she's also pretty sure he'll do something bad if he knows about Jeff.
And he wonders why I've been spending time away from the house or locked up in my room. I just keep reminding myself, on the 18th I am out and won't have to worry about it anymore. And then in December, I am going to tackle a soldier. Even if he's wearing body armor. I bet I end up knocking him over.
Could my life become any more complicated? At this moment, I'm thinking.....no. Life has become a giant topsy turvy mess and well....at least I'm happy with most of it! Let's see if I can explain it all in order.
Remember how last time I told Mark he basically needed to shape up or I'm gone? He never shaped up. If anything, he got worse. He's been taking me for granted and even treats me like I'm not even an important part of his life. He constantly thinks of himself first and sometimes only of himself. He has the maturity of a 16 year old at times and I had hoped he would grow up soon. I hoped for a lot of things. I hoped he was it. I hoped he would understand that relationships aren't meant to be so passive. I hoped he would start taking better responsibility of things. I hoped he would get over his lust for size 6 girls. And then I realized...why should I have to hope for all this to happen in my boyfriend? Why shouldn't it be there to begin with? So my final decision is very overdo but I did it. I dumped Mark. And now to explain how complicated life has become.
On August 6th while I was driving myself and Liranae to Lexington for ThreshCon, I realized I had to let him go. I knew it in my heart and no matter how much I loved him, the facts were simple. Mark and I were just not compatible at all and I had been refusing to admit it. When I got to TCon, I stopped answering his calls and texts so he would get the hint. It helps that I've been telling him over and over that I would leave if he didn't shape up. Granted he swears I never have but I think it's because he just refuses to believe I'm serious about the break up. If he knew all the details, he'd realize...yeah...I'm not going back.
I'm going to give a little history. Last year at TCon, I finally met Jeff in person. He and I had chatted through Threshold and AIM for a few years and were happy to finally meet. Last year, there were obvious sparks and the sexual tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. He was sweet and took care of me meaning I couldn't afford the hotel room or anything really and he paid for it no questions asked. But since I was with Mark, I didn't make any moves and Jeff didn't say anything out of respect that I was with someone.
This year...the minute I saw Jeff...I knew the feelings hadn't changed. My heart still turned over when I saw him. And his touch sent shivers down my spine. Even a simple hug was almost sensory overload. The first group dinner, I rode with him there and back. I was going to tell him but..I chickened out. I just wanted to tell him how much I had missed him over the past year. I wanted to tell him how I was done with Mark. But words failed me. So I just walked back into my room. I talked to Amber about it..well...cryptically. I told her how I was sure I still had a crush on Jeff. Amber told me that if it's true and it hasn't changed since last year, I should listen to my heart and decide. Of course, in my head, I didn't want to be the girl that dumped a guy for another guy. Then again, I wasn't expecting to still have the same reactions to Jeff. Ah, yes, I make my life so complicated.
The next night I decided to do the one thing that always gets me telling the truth about my feelings. I got drunk. I got very drunk. And in my drunken stupor, while walking around the hotel with Jeff trying to sober up, I told him everything. I only meant to tell him surface details but...yeah...I told him everything. I told him about how depressing it was to be with Mark. I told him how I felt last and not important. I told him how I was going to dump Mark once I got back home. And then I stalled on telling him how I felt. I kept staring at the floor. Jeff kept trying to command me to look at him. He even raised my chin with his fingers twice. The second time, I looked into his eyes and said I had a crush on him since last year. And I donno who moved first but we ended up kissing. And he pulled away and told me he didn't want to take advantage of me. He wanted me to be sober for even kissing. So we curled up on the same bed and slept.
I woke up early like always and winced at my pounding head. I knew I needed to rid myself of the hang over before I could really talk to Jeff about anything. He was still passed out so I left him a note and walked over to my room for a shower and lots of pain meds. I worried poor Jeff since I had vanished. But I let him know through texts that I regretted nothing. Eventually we found a free moment to kiss again, this time while sober! And it was the same shiver down the spine, toe curling, heart stopping emotions. Something was starting to add up and I didn't want to figure it out then. Jeff and I slept together again that night, NO SEX, and it was normal. I didn't even try to punch him when we woke up. And for me, that's an accomplishment! It was sad to leave but we knew we'd see each other again. Granted, he had a tour in Iraq to finish...
That week he and I talked over aim and discovered we both wanted to see the other person again. A year long crush and hiding emotions on both sides left us longing for each other. So Jeff bought me a plane ticket and I spent the weekend with him. It was wonderful! We went on our first date alone and cuddled and talked and knew we wanted to date.
And so I bring myself back to my life is complicated. My ex boyfriend and I are still living together (at least until I move out which should be VERY soon). My current boyfriend is in Iraq. And I am lost somewhere in between trying to figure out WHY I never realized all that I realized before. Stupid hindsight.
Oh yeah and not telling Mark until the time is right. And right now...it would probably send Mark into a full depression and possibly make it dangerous. For him..me..whatever. I don't care. I'm not going to let him know until he's ready to hear it.
